#metoo but not #metoo
As a woman I didn’t participate in the #metoo campaign.
Not becauses I don’t have my own stories of sexual harrasment. I do. Plenty of them. I was 18 and at a party where I had too much to drink. A Marine sergeant decided I wanted to have sex with him, despite my inability to stay coherent. Had it not been for a couple of other young Marines hearing me screaming and forcing their way into the room I would have been raped. Then there was the boss who’d intentionally push pens off his desk just to see female staff have to bend over and pick them up or ask us to “pussy sit” for his cat when he’d go out of town. We reported him and after a while his antics got him fired. Or there was the time I was up for a big promotion and flew in to meet the VP. He ordered chocolate covered strawberries to my hotel room and then “visited” a few hours later, wondering if I wanted to watch porn with him. I told him where to go. Big shocker that I didn’t get the promotion. The stories could go on.
Several women who I admire participated in the #metoo campaign. They had stories similar to mine and felt it important to add their voices to help raise awareness of an issue that desperately needs to be addressed in our culture. For years I, like many other women, have learned to survive personally and professionally, in a world where women are often viewed as lesser than. Or even worse, commodities.
I’ve spent my career in a predominantly male environment (politics) and have learned how to climb the ladder despite the handicaps being a woman in my field entails. Whereas men have rarely had to face hardships based merely on their gender. They don’t worry about not being taken seriously in a meeting because they have boobs. They don’t fret before giving a speech if their outfit is going to send the wrong message about their professionalism. They usually aren’t the only one in a board meeting who has to worry about pumping breast milk because they have an infant at home.
This conversation has been a long time coming.
So, why not #metoo?
First, before I answer that question, let me make something perfectly clear: Unwanted sexual agression is NEVER ok. What happened to me and many others like me was simply a man abusing his authority by feeding his ego with his abilty to assert power over a perceived weaker person. There are behaviors we can all agree are black and white.
But it’s those sneaky gray areas that caused me to hold off on joining the cry against sexual harassment.
Because, although I’ve been a victim I also have to be intellectually honest and admit that I, too, have contributed to uncomfortable environments at work and play. It starts off with a bunch of co-workers at the office. We find that we have similar interests so we start going out for lunch. That leads to after work drinks and social events. We become friends. When you become friends you let down your guard. You start making jokes of a sexual nature and almost everybody is laughing, joining in the fun. Little do we know that John or Suzy have become uncomfortable with the tenor of this banter.
I would never hurt somebody intentionally. It’s not in my personality. If I know that I am causing someone to be uncomfortable I will modify my behavior. But I don’t always know when that’s happened.
The battle lines have been drawn since this latest sexual revolution and a lot of us are confused about what side we should stand on because most of us live in the gray area. We aren’t sexual predators. We’re just normal people having a fun time. The problem is “fun” looks different to different people.
I’ve had several conversations with both men and women and the recurring theme seems to be a simmering fear. Most of us have sent texts that weren’t strictly about the project we were working on. So, what happens if the person I was joking with yesterday decides that they don’t like me because of a work related issue? Is my head now on the chopping block? Or what if I find out that one of the people in our group has been uncomfortable for months but didn’t say anything? Will I lose my job?
It’s easy to identify black and white issues and definitively say what’s right and wrong. But it’s not so easy in the gray areas. Somebody needs to write a rule book because in the meantime I’m a little terrified to interact with anyone.